Alhamdulillah

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I need to take one deep breath...or maybe lots of deep breaths.

I don´t feel too great. Alhamdulillah.

My daughter ransacked the living room for probably the 5th or 6th time today and I don´t know how much time I have until my husband gets back, because he is with a friend of his in the city...

Oh well...the kitchen is clean (although I have to do the dishes from dinner), the bathroom is clean, and the apartment is clean in general...it´s just that I need to pick up tons and tons of toys and books. SubhanAllah, she even through the cushions from the sofa on the floor...not to mention my prayer garment..and her prayer garment...the ad flyer for the local grocery store, all her stuffed animals, etc.

...............................

I don´t particularly mind that she nearly ripped to pieces a wedding invitation that I recieved. The bride was my best friend right up until the end of the summer before college began. She went to a college that was about 7 hours away from our city and I went to another that is about 2.5 hours away...we decided to stay in contact through post (snail mail) and at first it went really well....but then I was disturbed by the fact that she didn´t actually read the letter s that I wrote her, because she would ask the same questions over and over again in each letter I recieved from her.

I was upset, but I didn´t make too big of a deal out of it. Later, on, however, we decided that we wanted to spend our first college spring break in Germany and we went together. I didn´t have a credit card to make our reservations, so my mother made them for us. I paid my mother back less than a week later....my friend gaver her 40 bucks and told us that she would be able to pay the rest back soon. I think it´s almost 5 years later and she has never paid my mom back a dime after that first 40...subhanAllah it makes me pretty mad, because my mom has MS and is living on disability retirement...it´s not like she has a lot to go around. Still, my mom has written it off, alhamdulillah.

There were a lot of other issues, too, and eventually, I thought it was in my best interest to cut relations with this girl.

Anywho...She also sent a letter along with the invitation and now I must think carefully about whether I really want to respond. Perhaps she has grown up a bit? Perhaps she is somehow "vernünftiger" than she used to be. Allahu alim. At the very least, I don´t have to worry too much about her showing up on my front door, because we live on opposite sides of the ocean, alhamdulillah, although she did threaten to show up on my door, because she can´t get traveling out of her blood...hmm. I guess I answered my own question.

Deep down, I don´t hate this girl. She was, after all, my best friend, subhanAllah...on the other hand, I sometimes wonder why. I have always been the slightly cold, logical type. I do harbour an unending love for English poety from the Romantic Era and I do love nature and am a romantic in a lonely-cup-of-tea-on-a-snowy-winter-day kind of way, but I have a way about me in that I almost always keep a level head in any situation. Even if I am thrown by something, I would never let people notice. She´s the kind of girl that seems very romantic, but has a smile that doesn´t go to her eyes which makes me kind of nervous and unlikely to trust her. And she is the kind of girl to say things to please people without really liking them or believing the words that are coming out of her mouth...which is what lead me to notice that strange smile of hers.

Maybe I found something in her that I don´t have myself. Good or bad, the nonsense that she brought into my life at the time was a good thing and knowing her created a deep love in my heart for tiny, warm coffee shops that don´t fall under the "Starbucks" category. I love sitting in a deep comfortable chair and chatting with a friend in a cafe full of warm wood and warm smells. It´s great, mashaAllah.

But I have this strange dislike of almost anything else related to her. I don´t know exactly what it is. I don´t like her handwriting. I don´t like her hair. I don´t like the way she speaks. I don´t like the way she believes almost everything she hears. I don´t like the way that she tries to use other people. I don´t like it. Something about her disturbs me. AsdaghfiruAllah.

I think that I should probably make lots of dua that Allah subhanahuwata´ala guide her to the right path and that He open my heart. Allahu Alim. I don´t llike it that I think badly of another person. It doesn´t suit me or the kind of person I am.

I guess I wanted to rant about this. I can´t tell my husband this kind of stuff. He asked who she was and I told him about the 700 dollars she didn´t repay my mom...that´s about it. I don´t want to rant to him about all of the feelings that this invitation brought back to me...

Wallahi I still love this girl´s sister and her mother...it´s just her. Something about her rubs me the wrong way...and yet, I think that I would still be willling to sit down with her for a cup of coffee if she were in town, hehe.

Anywho...that´s about it. I should probably attend to Jayjay and the mess she made...I might put a load in the washer, too...interesting, huh, hehe?

Fi aman Allah,

UmmBatul