Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Oh the joys of adulthood.
My grandma is sick. Really sick. The doctors say that the worst part is actually the anorexia. My grandma has no appetite. She has lost about 50 lbs in a month, subhanAllah. It's not looking good, subhanAllah, but alhamdulillah, she's made it longer than at least one of my aunts had expected and she's eating a little better, mashaAllah.
With my maternal family pushing her probable demise down my throat, I am starting to have nightmares and "day"mares. There has only been one other woman who had so much influence on me (my paternal great-aunt) and unfortunately she passed away in 1999. The way her face looked while she lay in her coffin has been embedded in my mind. It looked pink, almost youthful, almost more alive than it looked in the days prior to her death...almost like wax. I know that was the funereal "paints".
I remember how I felt when I saw her body there.
Grief is a strange thing. It lessens with time, but (at least in my case) it never really goes away. And I didn't scream, I cried a little when I was in private, it came as no surprise--but it's like a part of your heart dies. For me, it really is a feeling in the chest. Like it's being constricted or as if someone is sitting on it. A heavy someone. My head goes light and I feel kind of dizzy when I think about my loved one who has passed.
Yet, I smile when I think about the time I spent at her house (my great-aunt) and I remember her. The things that I didn't really take notice of as a child, I can appreciate now as an adult. She was really a kind woman. Time does that. Alhamdulillah, it covers up that one sad day by making me remember the better days before that--and after that.
I'm not that far yet with processing my grandma's old age. Two years ago, she was healthier than my mother. This has all been pretty sudden. She recovered after the first stroke and even after the second there seemed to be hope.....but after the third? And cerebral hemhorrage which bled for days? A severe kidney infection that caused disorientation and severe nauseau (good luck eating)? And now my aunt has taken leave of work, so she can take care of my grandma--an hour away from where I live. This is me...living in Germany, I have no insurance to drive a car in America and I don't have enough moolah to rent a car.....If I ever felt between a rock and a hard place, it's now.
To delve into melodramatics a little (just let me, please), I feel as if I'm dying with her. I came here, because my mom said she was sick. I got here as soon as I could....now I am stuck here knowing that she's "so close and yet so far" and I miss her. I'm happy that I got to spend even a little time with her. Grateful. She's weak and she's sick, but she's still the same person she always was, alhamdulillah. I saw her at the hospital and my brother took me to visit her...he'll take me again soon, inshaAllah...
I don't know what it will be like when it actually happens. I know it can happen anytime, anywhere and it MUST happen to everybody...I could even go before her, Allahu Alim. Bad (and good) things happen....but it's more likely that she will go before me. The woman who took care of me when I was small, made breakfast for 10 people who just "dropped in", loves small children and cats as much as I do, and lived so quietly and calmly that she made her home my haven. She has treated me better than my own mother ever did, subhanAllah.
Oh, I hate getting older. Maturity comes in leaps and bounds, but I don't want to be mature right now. I want to be stubborn and kick and scream and say that it's not fair. Funny image, huh?
May Allah subhanahuwata'ala protect the Muslimeen and guide our families to the right path and let us die as Muslims. Ameen.
May Allah subhanahuwata'ala sooth the hearts of those who have watched their loves ones pass before them. Ameen.
May Allah subhanahuwata'ala give us comfort and security in the Deen. Ameen.
Fi aman Allah,
Katherine
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Back for a while....but just a while
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Oki doki....I'm visiting my family in America for a while, so I have access to the internet for at least the next two weeks. I haven't been online in such a long time, subhanAllah except for a few minutes here and there...and it will be surprisingly painful, I think, when I go back home and have nothing to occupy me in the quiet moments of the day.
Jayjay is getting bigger and bigger. Monster baby is almost totally weaned now, alhamdulillah, much to her mama's dismay who misses the cuddles. Alhamdulillah she is actually starting to grow hair on her head now, but it is still so short that she hardly looks like a girl unless I stick a headband on her...and she's so active that her father is seriously worried about all of the bruises she gets running (and falling). She plays on the playground with all of the other kids, kicks soccer balls around the garden and is just generally mischevious. And she likes swinging best of all things, which means Mama has to stand around for an hour and push her almost daily. I wish they had chairs next to the swings...or a bench...or something...then I could bring a good book with me...
Her language skills are improving, but she goes on in three different languages and Mama is always being asked what something means, because she's the only one who can understand the wonder-child's bad pronunciation of whichever word in whichever language the child has chosen to use at that particular moment in time. And Mama doesn't really have any better idea than the others do half the time. Still...the pronunciation will improve and has seemed to learn to differentiate between English and Arabic a little....a very little...with some words.
I like it that she is starting to say please and thank you which come out like "pee" and "tak-y". This is an upward battle for me, though, because she hasn't yet grasped the whole concept that she should say please BEFORE she gets something she asks for...on the other hand, she can't say "yes" very well, so if I ask her if she wants something, yes or no, she has just started answering with "peeeeeeeeeeee". Oh well, at least she's being reasonably polite to her aging, nervous mama.
Who, I might say, has minor heart attacks on a nearly daily basis on the account of her stair-climbing, chair-rocking little daredevil who falls down more often than can be good for her. As I have told everyone else around me, the child will give me a heart attack someday after some big fall and as I lay there dead on the floor, she'll be laughing at the great time she just had.....to which my father tells me that there was some other girl he once knew who did exactly the same thing to her parents.............hmmmmm.....who could he mean?
And my depression is not improved by coming home. To my father who accepts me, but who I feel has a slight dislike for my lifestyle (and whose home I am now in the process of cleaning from top to bottom...and let me tell you, three weeks is not enough time to get it done....I have found things from 1988...on the floor...which hadn't been touched since they first were set (or fell) down there), a mother who never really gave a rip for me anyway although she loves my daughter for some reason or another, to a sister and brother who aren't too much higher than white trash (although the brother has improved himself in the last couple of years and no longer tries to insult me as often as he used to), and having left behind my husband. That husband, who usually keeps me sane, but has just recently put me between a rock and a hard place about some work that looked pretty dubious to me, but he insists is worth it....hmmm...
Yeah. Other than that, I suppose I need to get back to cleaning. The four of five hours of cleaning almost everyday for the past two weeks has made the place look much better...but in the week I have yet before my husband gets here, I have at least three rooms to clean out and three rugs to tear out. I never really knew how big this house was..... Wish me the best. My nerves are at an end. If my daughter weren't so cute, I'd probably go crazy and yell her out, too.....Audhubillah.
Fi aman Allah,
Katherine
Oki doki....I'm visiting my family in America for a while, so I have access to the internet for at least the next two weeks. I haven't been online in such a long time, subhanAllah except for a few minutes here and there...and it will be surprisingly painful, I think, when I go back home and have nothing to occupy me in the quiet moments of the day.
Jayjay is getting bigger and bigger. Monster baby is almost totally weaned now, alhamdulillah, much to her mama's dismay who misses the cuddles. Alhamdulillah she is actually starting to grow hair on her head now, but it is still so short that she hardly looks like a girl unless I stick a headband on her...and she's so active that her father is seriously worried about all of the bruises she gets running (and falling). She plays on the playground with all of the other kids, kicks soccer balls around the garden and is just generally mischevious. And she likes swinging best of all things, which means Mama has to stand around for an hour and push her almost daily. I wish they had chairs next to the swings...or a bench...or something...then I could bring a good book with me...
Her language skills are improving, but she goes on in three different languages and Mama is always being asked what something means, because she's the only one who can understand the wonder-child's bad pronunciation of whichever word in whichever language the child has chosen to use at that particular moment in time. And Mama doesn't really have any better idea than the others do half the time. Still...the pronunciation will improve and has seemed to learn to differentiate between English and Arabic a little....a very little...with some words.
I like it that she is starting to say please and thank you which come out like "pee" and "tak-y". This is an upward battle for me, though, because she hasn't yet grasped the whole concept that she should say please BEFORE she gets something she asks for...on the other hand, she can't say "yes" very well, so if I ask her if she wants something, yes or no, she has just started answering with "peeeeeeeeeeee". Oh well, at least she's being reasonably polite to her aging, nervous mama.
Who, I might say, has minor heart attacks on a nearly daily basis on the account of her stair-climbing, chair-rocking little daredevil who falls down more often than can be good for her. As I have told everyone else around me, the child will give me a heart attack someday after some big fall and as I lay there dead on the floor, she'll be laughing at the great time she just had.....to which my father tells me that there was some other girl he once knew who did exactly the same thing to her parents.............hmmmmm.....who could he mean?
And my depression is not improved by coming home. To my father who accepts me, but who I feel has a slight dislike for my lifestyle (and whose home I am now in the process of cleaning from top to bottom...and let me tell you, three weeks is not enough time to get it done....I have found things from 1988...on the floor...which hadn't been touched since they first were set (or fell) down there), a mother who never really gave a rip for me anyway although she loves my daughter for some reason or another, to a sister and brother who aren't too much higher than white trash (although the brother has improved himself in the last couple of years and no longer tries to insult me as often as he used to), and having left behind my husband. That husband, who usually keeps me sane, but has just recently put me between a rock and a hard place about some work that looked pretty dubious to me, but he insists is worth it....hmmm...
Yeah. Other than that, I suppose I need to get back to cleaning. The four of five hours of cleaning almost everyday for the past two weeks has made the place look much better...but in the week I have yet before my husband gets here, I have at least three rooms to clean out and three rugs to tear out. I never really knew how big this house was..... Wish me the best. My nerves are at an end. If my daughter weren't so cute, I'd probably go crazy and yell her out, too.....Audhubillah.
Fi aman Allah,
Katherine
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