Week of April 3, 2011

Friday was Dad's birthday!  Not that he reads this, but a very happy birthday to him!  I left a lovely rendition of the birthday song on his voicemail.  No wonder he hasn't called me back yet, hehe. 

Anywho.  Where am I this week?

Well, my eating is pretty good.  I started eating oatmeal everyday for breakfast and my IBS has significantly improved, alhamdulillah!  That's not to say that my stomach/bowels feel great, though.  But as I told my husband, I'm going to do whatever I can not to go back on meds for it.  I'm taking a boatload of Rx meds as is!!!  I know that it's IBS and not just some kind of stomach bug or bad reaction to something I'm eating, though, because BubNo.3 is having any trouble nursing.  His innards are working fine, alhamdulillah.  OH!!!  And I ate an ENTIRE fillet of fish for the first time in about 15 years, alhamdulillah!  I really dislike the taste and texture of fish in general, so I've been trying to find some kind of fish or recipe that I could eat (because fish is so healthy).  And I made it myself!  Tilapia with cumin, coriander, lots of chili powder and lime.  It wasn't the best food I've ever ate, but I ate it all and I won't mind making it again, alhamdulillah!

Exercise is going great!  I've been doing HIIT every day for about 20-30 minutes.  Today it was 40 minutes, because I got two new Jillian Michaels dvds and couldn't wait.  Besides...Saturday is my cheat day and I ate half a dozen homemade oatmeal/cranberry/almond/white chocolate cookies.....Anywho...I do need to get a pair of good cross training shoes.  I have an old ankle injury that's acting up, because of all of the jump training...The pair I want is $70 (on sale!) and I am REALLY hoping that my husband surprises me with them!!!  He specifically asked me what size shoe I wear (not a normal question from him), so there is at least a small chance...

My skin is looking a bit better...except for after exercising when I resemble a stop sign much more than either of my parents..........I've been making sure to use toner...something I leave out if I feel stressed about time.  And I applied a TCA peel to the areas where I'm pretty scarred.  It's only 15% and the scarred skin is pretty tough, so I figure I'll be able to apply another peel in about a month to six weeks, inshaAllah.

My girls have the 3 Qul pretty much memorized and need just a little tweaking.  They both already knew Fatihah and my older daughter knew ayat al Kursi and Ikhlas...but I'm glad she's learning Falaq and Nas, alhamdulilllah.

I've been making a lot of dua, too.  I really hope that it will be heard, inshaAllah.

Fi aman Allah.  

Week 1 Progress

I have not yet printed out the "Things I can do in one/ten minute(s)"  I hope to get to that today!  InshaAllah I don't forget!

I'm working on Surat al-Falaq and Surat an-Nas with the girls now.  We do it before bed (great time to do it anyway) after reading.  I still want to sit down and help Jayjay with her Arabic letters, inshaAllah. 

Something is helping me along my journey toward a healthier lifestyle...ironically.  It's IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) also known as spastic colitis.  It's rather unpleasant.  It's almost like having food poisoning sometimes.  Anywho.  I seem to react badly to sugars, including lactose.  So I'm avoiding them except in the form of fruit at the moment.  Fruits don't do quite so much damage as refined sugars do.  I suspect that wheat might also be a culprit, but I don't want to test that theory tooooo much at the moment.  I have made sure to stop eating after dinner.  Seems to be working.

The exercising is going well.  Another day, another workout.  I'm losing inches and pounds.  Honestly, the inches are more important to me, because I'd like to be able to fit back into my old clothes again instead of having to buy new things (such a waste!).  I'm having trouble deciding which of JM's dvds I'm going to get when the 30 day shred is done.  I'm learning toward No More Trouble Zones, because I've heard that it's quite a bit like the shred, just longer.  Burn Fat Boost Metabolism also strikes me as great, though, because it's supposedly more cardio ("Burn Fat").  Maybe I'll get both?  Allahu Alim.  At any rate, I'm still going. 

I still need to do the TCA peel.  Will do that tonight, inshaAllah.

Determination

Greetings...!

I hope that I'll be posting more often from now on.  Yeah, I know ya'll are thrilled...all 4 or 5 of you who MIGHT read this. 

The reason I want to post a little more is to keep myself moving along on the path I've set out for myself.  I'm determined to become the person I WANT to be, inshaAllah.  With Allah ta'ala's help, I can do anything, right?!  And as my dad (the old fart) keeps reminding me, I'm getting pretty close to 30.  Might as well start getting my life a little more organized and my routines under control.

High up on my list of priorities is my Iman.  Lately (meaning for quite some time now) it's been pretty low.  Don't get me wrong, I still feel guilty about my short-comings and I'm firm in my belief....but I could definately stand to develop more Taqwa!  I feel like a bit of a hypocrit, though, that I'm always having my kids say Bismillah and Alhamduillah and Ayat al-Kursi and Surat al-Fatiha when I could be doing a whole lot more myself.  One idea I have is to get a "Things you can do in one minute/ten minutes" and copy it into a pretty font and then frame it and put it up somewhere where I'll see it often. 

Another thing I've been concerned about is that I haven't been diligent enough with my kids.  My oldest is 5 and if she can memorize "The Cat in the Hat" and "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" then she can memorize a few suraat.  So far, she only knows Fatiha, Asr, Ikhlas and Ayat al-Kursi.  I'm going to have to get cracking.  She's the best reader in her class in English, too...so I KNOW that I should be working with her on the Arabic alphabet and simple Arabic words.  I might have to get my husband to help me translate a few simple books into standard Arabic.

I'm also working on aesthetic things.  Is it bad to want to make this dunya a little more comfortable?  I don't know.  But I'm trying to focus on getting healthy and keep in mind all of the positive reasons to get healthy for the sake of Allah ta'ala, not just for worldly reasons.  I know that the stomach is the worst vessel one can fill and I know that we should take care of our bodies, because they are blessings from Allah ta'ala.  I'm trying to concentrate on that....and not so much on the fact that I live in an area where the mean, median and average income is MUCH higher than my own and I'm surrounded by thin, rich women.  I'd rather not be the fat woman in the mumu who also covers her head.  Okay, so it's not that bad, but I'd still like to blend in a tiny little bit.  I stand out enough as it is. 

So I'm trying to eat better.  I've pretty much stopped eating red meat except for very rare occasions (maybe once every 2-3 months?).  I've raised my protein intake and cut down on simple carbs (I don't count them, though).  I've found that the healthier I eat, the more my stomach won't tolerate "unhealthy" foods (i.e. processed foods, especially those containing large amounts of sugar).  Today I was thinking that I'll do as I did after my first was born and stop eating at 7 p.m. each night (except for fruits and veggies).

I'm also exercising.  I started out walking after my son was born, because that was the only thing I was alloiwed to do.  I've now started exercising at home using Jillian Michaels dvds.  The woman is insane.  My love/hate relationship with her began a couple weeks ago and although I sometimes want to punch something because of her, I'm definately noticing results.  Soooo...I will be getting more of her dvds in the future, inshaAllah.  I'm also considering some of Jackie Warner's stuff.  I still have to dig out my stepper and elliptical from the garage.  We don't really have room for it, but I guess I'll just have to make room. 

My skin problems are immense.  Alhamdulillah I've got my dermatillomania under control.  I'd say I scratch 80% less than I did before.  The dermographism and neurodermatitis were big contributors to my problem and since I've started seeing a dermatologist, my skin is much better.  I've changed soaps, lotions and I'm taking anti-histamines once or twice a day.  Now, I just need to concentrate on the scars!  I'm going to start out with glycolic acid and tca peels with mederma cream in between peels.  I have a pretty bad reaction to salicylic acid (it inflames my skin!), but glycolic acid has been a lifesaver.  I can actually feel half-way comfortable about the way my face looks.  I've been using glycolic acid toner and creams for almost six months and my skin is clear with only two very small dark patches. 

So.  My goals for this week are: 

1.  Pray.  A lot. 
2.  Make dua.  A lot.
3.  Exercise everyday at least 20 minutes.
4.  Nothing except fruits and veggies after 7 p.m.
5.  TCA peel on my most heavily scarred areas

Spilt Milk

There are so many people who have come in and out of my life.  Tons.  Kind of strange considering how young I am.  Makes me wonder if it's me?  I just can't deal with certain things, I suppose. 

As a kid, I didn't have much choice.  If someone decides that they don't want to play with you, you go do something else with someone else...falling back on siblings if necessary. 

Now as an adult, it's been more difficult.  I've only had one good friend at a time.  Ever.  In high school, it was a girl with whom I spent hours in the local coffee shop.  But then money got involved when we took a trip abroad and she didn't pay my mother back (neither of us had a credit card the time and my mom was kind enough to offer).  It's been about seven or eight years now and I guess we won't be seeing that money ever again.  Oh well.  Besides, she was nice to talk to, but was a kind of "out of sight out of mind" person...and we went to different universities.  All I was good for was a place to sleep when she decided to come to my university town.  I dropped her.

Then, in college, there was a girl.  I still keep contact with her.  But the evenings wandering around and the weekend chinese take-out ended with college.  She lives in the same town as I do and I see her maybe once a year.  She's nice, but I guess we don't have much in common.

I had some really good aquaintances in Germany, but no good friends.  I don't miss many of them...  And the people that I wanted to be friends with scorned me.

Nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Most recently, there was a girl I REALLY loved like a sister.  We were super close.  She came to me with her problems and I didn't mind telling her about mine.  I made a mistake in that friendship.  Friends are not really like sisters.  You cannot always speak your mind and be sure that they'll still be there.  I was tactless once after about a year and a half.  I didn't like the way some of her other friends behaved and the way they were influencing her.  I told her that...and I should have been kinder.  It's not that she stopped speaking to me exactly, but very long periods went by without word from her.  And when we did chat, it wasn't comfortable anymore.  We were probably both watching what we said.  She thinks I'm judgemental and I was hurt by how long she avoided us.  After about six months of not seeing her, I decided it'd be better to amputate.  My children were really confused and hurt, because "Khale" wasn't visiting.  I thought it better that they not have to go through it all again however much it hurt me.  They don't talk about her so much anymore and honestly, that's probably the best thing.  If I ever have contact with her again, I'll leave my children out of it.  It's not fair to them to have to lose someone they've learned to love so much.

It's been months now.  She's missed so much and I've missed her.  My pregnancy, the birth of my son, Jayjay's first day of school, etc.  I know a little of what's gone on in her life all these months, but I'm sure I've missed a lot, too.  But I know she's gone the way of her new friends and that she seems happy with that.

I don't form friendships easily.  I don't take people into my heart easily.  It took me almost two years just to get used to my husband.  But I really loved her and I feel like she's died.  I'm in mourning of our friendship.  I wrote her all those months ago and told her I was sorry and that I knew that the deterioration of our friendship was my fault.  She never wrote back.  Maybe that's one of the things that hurts most.  I let her in only to discover that one disagreement would be the end of our friendship.  It wasn't as strong as I thought.  She didn't think of me as I did of her. 

I made a mistake.

Habits I want to Cultivate

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

There are a few things I'd like to start doing.

Lay the cloth.  I'm looking for a nice table cloth.  Something casual.  I want to really set the table everytime we eat.  Including breakfast.

I want us to stop what we're doing when we eat.  Meal times should be shared with family and made pleasant.  No distractions.

We need to move more.  It's winter, but I think that on nicer days (when it's not too much below 32 degrees F) we should go for a walk.  Even if it's just to Walgreens and back.  On days when I can have the car, it'd probably be nice to take walks downtown.

That's all...

What is REALLY important? The little things.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Lately, I've been thinking about what is important to me. After Allah ta'ala, His Messanger, Islam, Family and Friends.

What is important?

Is it making friends? Being successful financially? Etc.?

Kind of. Not exactly.

I don't know that there is anything that is truly very important to me. The big things are important, but I literally don't care about much else.

I'm unapologetically passionate about my religion and I'm devoted to my family and friends...most of those friends having become family to me anyway. I don't care about a lot of people, including some family members...but those I am close to...well, they're a part of my life whether they like it or not. I hope they like it, hehe. I can think of one sister I've known about a year now...and honestly, I'm much closer to her than I am to either of my siblings. Alhamdulillah. MashaAllah. We just click that way.

But I DO care about what other people think of me. You wouldn't think it, when I'm walking through Walmart in my long clothes with my headscarf completely covering my assets. But I do my best to put forth a good appearance. To mesh at least a little with the crowd.

When I was a kid, I was always the strange one. My mother wasn't exactly the motherly type, so I've spent most of my life trying to learn what is socially acceptable. Things I didn't learn growing up. I've learned not to ask how much money something cost and how to give a good handshake. How to introduce aquaintances, etc. I spend time reading Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt and GentleManners guides and I'm a member of a couple different forums that call for the return of ladylike manners.

And I've found that I don't mesh.

So lately, I've had a new goal. It goes along with manners and etiquette, but it takes it a step further. I'm trying to make other people feel comfortable in my presence. Not to be stuffy or overly formal, but to make sure that they enjoy the time they spend with me.

I've been trying this for about a year. I'll chat with a cashier while buying clothes and I'll even practice on my husband without his knowing it. I don't know whether I'm getting better, but I think I am. I went to class last night and realized that I'm afraid of people. That's my biggest hurdle. I can deal with one-on-ones, but my heart races when I'm forced to introduce myself in front of ten people...so that's something I need to deal with. I don't think I can make other people feel comfortable if I'm flipping out.

Next semester, I'll be taking more classes. This semester, it's just once a week that I actually have to be in a room of 20 people and make conversation and give intelligent answers. But I'm going to need practice. I'm not sure what it is that I'm going to do to get over my fears, but I'm certainly going to try. Maybe I need to volunteer for some kind of committee or something? Something that will force me to be in a group?

Fi aman Allah.

Mama's a student again

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I've started school again...I'm on my way to becoming a Medical Assistant...or at least having a technical certificate in that field.

The only thing I've discovered is that accounting disgusts me. It holds absolutely no interest for me and therefore it's going to be more difficult to get good grades in that class. The other classes are fine and I'm sure that I'll be okay, inshaAllah.

Soooooo I'm going to be pretty busy from now on. The online courses aren't any easier than taking classes...in fact they're probably more difficult, because I have to find a way to concentrate with the little muslimahs running around and playing and making mischief. In the last three days, I've spent about 10 hours studying--and only for one class.

Hopefully I'll be able to settle into a routine and organize my life a little more than it is currently. I think that my other courses are going to be quite a bit easier, but I'm still going to need a lot of effort and concentration.

Fi aman Allah!