What is REALLY important? The little things.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Lately, I've been thinking about what is important to me. After Allah ta'ala, His Messanger, Islam, Family and Friends.

What is important?

Is it making friends? Being successful financially? Etc.?

Kind of. Not exactly.

I don't know that there is anything that is truly very important to me. The big things are important, but I literally don't care about much else.

I'm unapologetically passionate about my religion and I'm devoted to my family and friends...most of those friends having become family to me anyway. I don't care about a lot of people, including some family members...but those I am close to...well, they're a part of my life whether they like it or not. I hope they like it, hehe. I can think of one sister I've known about a year now...and honestly, I'm much closer to her than I am to either of my siblings. Alhamdulillah. MashaAllah. We just click that way.

But I DO care about what other people think of me. You wouldn't think it, when I'm walking through Walmart in my long clothes with my headscarf completely covering my assets. But I do my best to put forth a good appearance. To mesh at least a little with the crowd.

When I was a kid, I was always the strange one. My mother wasn't exactly the motherly type, so I've spent most of my life trying to learn what is socially acceptable. Things I didn't learn growing up. I've learned not to ask how much money something cost and how to give a good handshake. How to introduce aquaintances, etc. I spend time reading Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt and GentleManners guides and I'm a member of a couple different forums that call for the return of ladylike manners.

And I've found that I don't mesh.

So lately, I've had a new goal. It goes along with manners and etiquette, but it takes it a step further. I'm trying to make other people feel comfortable in my presence. Not to be stuffy or overly formal, but to make sure that they enjoy the time they spend with me.

I've been trying this for about a year. I'll chat with a cashier while buying clothes and I'll even practice on my husband without his knowing it. I don't know whether I'm getting better, but I think I am. I went to class last night and realized that I'm afraid of people. That's my biggest hurdle. I can deal with one-on-ones, but my heart races when I'm forced to introduce myself in front of ten people...so that's something I need to deal with. I don't think I can make other people feel comfortable if I'm flipping out.

Next semester, I'll be taking more classes. This semester, it's just once a week that I actually have to be in a room of 20 people and make conversation and give intelligent answers. But I'm going to need practice. I'm not sure what it is that I'm going to do to get over my fears, but I'm certainly going to try. Maybe I need to volunteer for some kind of committee or something? Something that will force me to be in a group?

Fi aman Allah.