Oh what a beautiful morning

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

I haven't been sleeping well lately.

Jayjay and Jayjiay (Jayjay's little sister) are doing great, mashaAllah.

We've decided to have Jayjay start preschool instead of 4K this fall, inshaAllah. Although she seems to be ready for school (she knows her alphabet and can read some easy words, she can write the alphabet and some easy words, her language skill are great, she can draw a little, she follows stories well, etc.), we have some doubts about her behavior. We're not sure whether she will be calmer around other children/in a school environment, but we want to make sure that she doesn't have ADHD before she starts school, inshaAllah. That would be the worst case scenario, but she's a VERY energetic child. She's not afraid of anything, subhanAllah, and she's always getting into something...

I feel as though I should be spending more time with Jayjay since her little sister was born. She could probably learn a lot more quickly if I would just take the time. Allahu Alim.

Her little sister is developing perfectly, alhamdulillah. She's learning to crawl, babbling and doing all the things a baby her age does, mashaAllah.

May Allah ta'ala protect my children, guide them, and keep them on the straight path. Ameen.

As for me, I'm tired. All the time. I have really been struggling with my depression lately. I don't know why it's gotten this bad now. It's been affecting me for over ten years now, but this year seems the worst. I've been in the hospital twice, I'm seeing my psychiatrist and therapist and really working on trying to get better, but it's tough. SubhanAllah, sometimes I feel like I'll never get better. I have to, though...for my girls.

A lot of it is about my childhood (go figure...). Freud could have written a book about me. But how do you get rid of your childhood? How do you get rid of the effects of it? And after years of trying to "leave the past in the past", how do I rehash it all now? Can't I just get better without remembering?

I've been spending more time on myself, though, alhamdulillah.

Probably the most important thing is that I'm exercising everyday and I'm eating much healthier than I have for the past year. Alhamdulillah. MashaAllah it makes me feel better. It probably even does more for me than the antidepressants, although I'm not about to stop taking my meds to find out.

I'm also TRYING not to feel guilty about taking time for myself. Alhamdulillah I went on a little road trip with a friend of mine and I only took the baby (Jayjay stayed at home with her father and with my SIL after my husband went to work). I was away the whole day, spent time with a great sister, met some other wonderful sisters, and I got to visit my old university...it doesn't get much better! And the baby was so well-behaved, mashaAllah! Everybody loved her, mashaAllah! So much that my husband lives in fear that someone will put 3in on her...oh well...reciting more Qur'an and making more dua is never bad, right!?!

There's so much more I could write, but it's 4:30 AM and about time I get to sleep...I MIGHT start using this blog more as a journal (therapist says it's good for me)...but who knows...should I really write to everyone who's interested about how messed up I am?