This is great

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Third post of the day...

MashaAllah, I guess I´m getting excited now, because I can ramble on about things that I normally would talk about (not so interesting topics, but topics that I think a lot about)...

So now, I was thinking....................................I try so hard to be the person I want to be, inshaAllah. I have this ideal in my head....the ideal Muslimah...ideal Mama.....ideal wife, etc........I wonder sometimes if I try too hard and whether it´s starting to get to me... Allahu alim.

Alhamdulillah, I try to be a good Muslimah...I find myself on occasion trying to make myself slow down, though...because I´m afraid that I´ll overdo it....like I won´t pray sunnah for every prayer everyday, because I´m afraid that if I push myself I´ll fall. And then I won´t pray sunnah again for a long time...Allah alim.

And I annoy my husband at least once a month with "can I wear niqab?" Which I know that he doesn´t want me to wear here, because he´s afraid for my safety...alhamdulillah, at least I´ll be able to wear it when I go to visit his family (all the women in his family wear niqab, mashaAllah!)......

And I have this thing about being thin...at one point in my life it got pretty bad...and I wonder if I´m headed down that road again. I had my little girl, so naturally I gained weight for a while...but now I weigh less than I did when I got pregnant, alhamdulillah....and I´m still losing weight, mashaAllah. I think it´s because of the breastfeeding, but I´m also careful about what I put in my mouth, inshaAllah. I think I´m afraid of what I would do if the scale suddenly didn´t go down anymore. I mean....I haven´t the weight quickly. It´s been slow and there have been plateaus...but I so want to get to a weight where people look at me and say "wow, you´re skinny, mashaAllah" I´ve only just entered the "you´re very fit, mashaAllah" stage...I just need to learn when to stop before it gets to be unhealthy, inshaAllah.

I also have issues about the house being VERY clean. I pick up my daughter´s toys and assorted messes probably 5 times a day, wa Allahu alim. And when AF comes to visit and I start to get depression from my raging hormones and the pain is so much that I can barely get out of the bed...the apartment doesn´t look good for a few days...it looks like a tornado went through sometimes...or maybe it´ll look okay on the surface, but the reality of things is that I haven´t vacuumed, dusted or mopped in three days......and dishes are piling up......which makes me crazy. I feel like a failure... Alhamdulillah that passes, though, inshaAllah...

Anywho........I wonder when I´ll be old enough to finally start letting go a little, inshaAllah.

Fi aman Allah,

UmmBatul